Missing My Bud – Mental Health Matters
By: Lawrence Traynor
“So, Laurie, how are you really doing?” I suddenly and unexpectedly began sobbing uncontrollably as I went ahead to share, finally, with my friend, the truth about how my life was a disaster and that I was on the verge of losing everything. Again, he patiently smiled and graciously went ahead to ask another question. “Are you willing to go to any lengths to get better?” Without hesitation, I responded, “Yes, I’ll do anything, John.”
He began describing what AA refers to as a ninety and ninety. Ninety AA meetings in ninety days. “Count me in,” I proudly exclaimed before understanding the proposed ninety meetings he referred to as being consecutive, as in a row. At this point, I smiled and said to John, “I don’t think you understand. I’m kind of a big deal.” I desperately tried but failed miserably to share with him my daily, chaotic schedule as a small business. He obviously did not fully understand nor comprehend the notion of me being a big deal.
Upon being reminded of my earlier commitment to do anything, to go to any lengths to get better, I agreed to move forward with our new strategy. However, I asked that I start my new sober campaign after an upcoming weekend that included a family skiing trip previously planned to Northern Vermont. Again, with a patient smile, John said no and instead strongly suggested that we begin that very day. In reflection, by following John’s advice and suggestion and committing to and doing a ninety and ninety, John saved my life that morning.
If someone were to ask me what I attribute to thirty-three-plus years of continuous sobriety, I would think of my breakfast with John and not hesitate for a moment to share my simple three-word answer: “Ninety and ninety.” The term sponsor refers to a fellow AA member volunteering to help, oftentimes someone new to the fellowship, navigate membership, answer questions, understand the suggested fundamental tenets and principles of the 12 steps, and offer accountability. An AA sponsor is a sober coach, mentor, and trusted confidant who understands through their own sober journey and personal alcohol-related experience what a new person usually questions, feels, and relates to.
John helped me understand that AA is not a cult and the difference between religion and spirituality suggesting that religion is thought to be for Christians and non-Christians that are afraid of going to hell. Spirituality, conversely, is for those same Christians and non-Christians who have already been there. In hindsight, I mistakenly chose not to ask John that morning after our breakfast talk to be my AA sponsor. I again attribute my mistaken decision to my adolescent Cub Scout experience and disdain for any and all authority figures. My decision in this regard reinforces and makes clear the notion that ignorance is not bliss but rather very expensive.
Without the proven guidance and support of a sponsor, it seemed a good idea at this time to declare and inform my co-owner business partners that I was a self-proclaimed alcoholic and would be attending ninety meetings during the next ninety days. Big mistake! With the advisory consultation and aid of kept legal counsel, my partners “invited” me to at once relinquish all existing and future ownership duties and responsibilities. How could I be fired from a company I was part owner of? Given my alcohol-dependence admission, I was now thought unfit to continue further sales and associated marketing efforts. This action led to and after orchestrated a frontal assault on my ego. I still, to this day, nurse a resentment toward a sponsor I never had nor ever existed. When I reluctantly asked and finally obtained a mutually agreed-upon sponsor, he patiently and lovingly helped me navigate life’s future social, business, and personal challenges. He continued to lead by example, walking the talk and offering unbiased guidance upon request based on his unique experience, strength, and hope.
I kept my commitment to John, attended ninety meetings in ninety days, and, “one day at a time,” and will celebrate thirty-three years (12,000+ days) of continuous sobriety as of January 22nd. Dealing with daily sobriety and life on life’s terms-related events, including but not limited to divorce, bankruptcies, unemployment, cancer, and retirement, my relationship and love for myself, God, family, and others grow and flourishes each day, and no longer do I miss my Bud.
